Most of the time I feel as though I am the fool on the hill. Even though I have people whom I love in my life, I am separate. I am an "other". I watch. I listen and understand. I'm not really a part of the machine. I really never have been. I've written poetry about this when I was young. I am still there. I wouldn't know how to act if, all of a sudden, I was included. I know that I value my solitude. So, I guess, It is of my own doing. My husband is definately part of the machine. I watch him moving and shaking things; connecting with people all the time, every day. I'm amazed that he loves me.
He has a gift.
It's funny. Once in a while, when I really want to participate, I try to be part of the picture. But, I'm a wrench. I am weird - a polysided peg in a round hole.
I've learned that I am loved by a few and I am who I am. I guess that there are people who are movers and shakers who are still very alone.
So..I sit on my hill. I appreciate what life has given me and I watch the horizon for what comes next.
10 comments:
momma, i'm sorry you feel "out of the loop", whatever that is. but you're in my loop. i love you very much for who you are and what you stand for. i think you are a "cool lady", not just because you are my mom, but because of all you know and do. you are wise beyond your years. XOXXXOOXOXOOO
I know that you love me and I appreciate so very much.
I just don't understand, sometimes why I am just off center of everybody else. Not being able to hear doesn't help either. Although it is something that has plagued me since I was very very little.
It's OK. I have a lot to be thankfull for.
i am right there with you! i understand -- being deaf doesn't help. to be frank, sometimes the loop doesn't seem like the most appealing place to be anyway.
it's okay to be off-center. i'm learning that people find you fascinating and valuable for who you are. you are a very unique being and you shouldn't short-change yourself. i am trying to learn to reach out more... maybe you can, too!
it also probably doesn't help that you live far away from loved ones... just makes you have to work harder to bridge the distance.
i love you, momma! can't wait to come stay and schmy around in pjs all day! xoxoxo!
I bought some hot spice tea. It is yummy. I wish that I had a fire place.
Hey anonymomagain - I'll chime in here as well. I love the fact that you're a bit off center! If everyone was vanilla, it'd be a boring world! Rejoice in the painter, the artistic soul that you are. Then, as Paula said, reach out to others so you have a circle of peoples.
I think both Paula and I are similiar to you, in that we've both got that 'separate' feeling. I always feel very alone, even when I'm at work surrounded by people, or among friends, so I know what you mean.
I think sometimes you have to sit with it, enjoy it, and use it. It's who you are.
It's all about knowing when you don't want to feel that way, and taking action - extending yourself to others - so it's not the *only* way you feel.
Food for thought. Or just ramblings at 7am...
Either way, I love you a ton, and can't tell you how happy I am to have a polysided peg, I mean, mother-in-law just like you! Stay The Fool I say!
See you next weekend! -Casey
Oh shucks, you kids. I feel really special and lucky just having such a wonderful bunch. (((hugs & XXOO))).
It will be a good weekend.
besides, if you were conformosheeple mom, we wouldn't be the way we are now!
let's see: i'd be a seething high school english teacher with an ashy blond bob who gets secret kicks from flattering comments from my male students. i'd be glaring with green eyes at the dance team with severe envy of times past. i wouldn't know how to draw and easter would equal paas. booooo!
God, Paula, heaven forbid. Interesting way of looking at it.
Actually, there is a voice in my head that says, "You are part of the BIG machine. You are just a different part.
Regarding "reaching out". I try..I really do. I think that maybe I try too hard, sometimes, and scare people. I have trouble figuring out exactly how I am perceived. So I know that part of this is my head in its own goofy envelope.
So, as Casey suggests, I will learn to love my separateness and always be "The Fool".
If you look at the picture closely, he is smiling.
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I don't know where all that stuff comes from but you are my everything,Jacj
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